The Marriage Proposal Formula

Francesca Beauman

I was leafing through a book called "The Woman's Book: everything but the kitchen sink" by Francesca Beauman. It's been in my library for ages, and I occasionally flick through it.

It's one of these books that is, essentially, filled with completely random facts.

The random fact I came across was "The Marriage Formula".

Apparently, and I quote; "a simple mathematical formula exists to help one ascertain whether or not to accept a proposal of marriage."

How to make time for your partner

 

Remember those days when you had all the time in the world to go to the cinema, have a leisurely romantic meal with your partner, stay out all night if you felt like it....?

Having trouble finding time for eating, never mind making time for your partner, now that you've become a parent?

I am over on Wriggly rascals today talking about making time for your partner. It's a tricky issue, and one that new parents have to address to ensure relationships survive the huge cultural and emotional change that children bring to the table.

If you have any tips please join me in answering a few short questions on the wriggly rascals survey to help another mum improve her relationship post-baby.

My post, Making time for your partner, is here, and if you need further tips on rekindling the lurrve try this popular post How to rekindle your relationship after having a child, here.

 

 

Self confidence: how to avoid losing yours

Ae you feeling a little low? Are you feeling like you are just not doing a good enough job, be it as a parent, in your career or in your relationship? Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed by it all, and wish that the train that is carrying you, chugging through life at pace, would just stop off for a lunch break and let you have some time to just take a breath, collect yourself, catch up?


I am struggling with those feelings at the moment. I don't feel like I am being the best mum, or the best yummiest wife, or doing the best job I could at work. But on reflection I realise that I am ignoring the positives: for example, my daughter gave me a beautiful piece of work she had completed in school today. She is now 6 years old, and in year 2 at infant school. Surely this is the positive feedback I need to pat myself on the back and give myself a gold star for "mummying"? Take a look below. What do you think?

How to rekindle your relationship after having a child.

Photo courtesy of Kozzi.com

Having children effects the relationship you have with your partner.  It doesn't matter how much you convince yourself that your life will be just the same only with a child in it, you quickly realise that nothing could be further from the truth.

Having children adds various challenges to your relationship, but fear not; the solutions just need a little bit of effort.  Below I outline some of the main reasons that couple feel they are drifting apart after the birth of a first child, and my suggestions as to how to face these challenges.

1.  We are both always exhausted.

There's no way to sugarcoat this; and thinking that it's the same kind of tiredness you get from pulling the odd all-nighter, either in the pub, or to complete some college assignment, is naive at best.  You will have never known tiredness quite like it.

The solution? Accept the tiredness as inevitable and snuggle up to fall asleep in front of the television together.  You may not feel like getting frisky, but make the effort to cuddle up and stay connected.

2.  We don't talk about anything but the children.

And why is that a problem?  Well, it's not in itself a problem at all.  Having a child is a major event in both your lives and you should be talking about it. 

So what's my advice?  Every so often ask your partner about them; their views on current news, what they thought of a new television show you've both seen lately, where they'd like to go on holiday next year... It sounds a little like the patter your hair stylist might use, and that's exactly what it should sound like because it's YOU remembering to take an interest in THEM as well as the new child.

It's amazing what a difference it makes to your day when someone takes a genuine interest in your thoughts and feelings for even just a short period of time.  Give this gift of attention to each other. 

3.  We are changing.  We aren't the same people anymore.

Of course you aren't.  You grew up and became parents.  It's the natural order of things.  But it doesn't mean you are not the same people that fell in love.  What it does mean is that you are both learning new skills and that you will both find different ways to cope with the new responsibility.

What can you do?  Give each other chance to grow, and try and give each other a regular opportunity to get out alone to be the person you were before you became a parent.   Whether it's to go to the hair salon, the golf course, a painting class or judo; whatever it is that enables you to maintain your own sense of self. 

Often those who work full-time before and immediately after having a child need this less, as they have the consistency of their job, that doesn't change, and maintain their sense of their 'work self' separately to that of their 'new parent' self.  But if you used to work and stop to have children you can feel like you start to lose your own identity.  Recognise this in yourself or your partner and give the space to the individual that needs it.

4.  We don't get any couple time.

What with the new baby demanding attention 24 hours a day, and you both attempting to give each other alone time, how do you get 'couple' time?

This one is a must: Create it.  I mean it.  There's no excuse for this one.  If you don't have the luxury of babysitting grandparents, then ensure you get a bedtime routine for your little one established as soon as is practical and turn one evening a week into an "at home date night". 

And let's be really clear here; I'm not referring to item 1. above here, you can fall asleep watching television together the other 6 nights.  No, I mean turn the television off, cook a nice meal (or order in) and do something together, be it playing scrabble or cards, listening to music, or the obvious vertical boogie.  Make the time and effort. 

5.  I/We just don't feel like sex.

OK, so you are worn out and just don't feel like it.  What if your other half does initiate sex?  In my humble experience it's always worth going with it.  You may not feel particularly passionate to start with and we all know that women (generally speaking) take a little longer to warm up, but give your partner chance to see if maybe the warming up can be done.

What have you got to loose?  You might just get a lovely orgasm and feel 10 times better.

It, of course, may be that neither of you are initiating sex.  You may both be too tired, overwhelmed, or, let's face it, scared.

Get over yourselves and on every "date night" rediscover each-other.  If it means taking it slow and kissing for hours, so what? 

6.  But we've stopped talking to each other!

All the tiredness and fear and the notion of being overwhelmed can result in two people both feeling similar emotions but not realising, thinking their other half is coping 'so much better' and being scared to share their thoughts and fears. 

Talk to each other!!  For goodness sake!  You are not 11 years old now, you are parents for goodness sake.  Talk, debate, disagree, discuss, share and argue if you must.  Then either discover that you are both feeling the same and have a good laugh at yourselves, or agree to disagree and to support each other where you both need it. 

7.  She / He takes me for granted

This happens so easily that it is scary.  On the one hand it's lovely that we get so comfortable in our relationships that we start to trust the other person to always be there, to always support us, to always make the dinner, do the dishes, put the bins out, buy us presents, send us cute little texts.... the list goes on and on and on....

It's also ridiculously easy to avoid this one.  Remember those words your parents always drilled into you, but which we often seem to forget in adult life?  Go on... think hard...  Two phrases.... Please, and thank you.

Please and thank you will take you a long way.  It can take effort to start reusing these little gems if they've managed to slip out of your vocabulary, but it's well worth it.  People like being thanked, it's a very basic acknowledgement that they've done something to make our lives easier. 

Another really easy thing to do to ensure you don't take each other for granted.  Keep doing those things you used to.  Those little texts.... buying little gifts.... leave post-it's for each other.   I guess I'm just saying "think about your partner and treat them".  Easy, eh?

All this advice sounds like too much hard work

Really?  Too much hard work to make the effort to build and grow your developing relationship and be the best parents you can be?  It's your relationship.  If it was a relationship strong enough to result in you deciding to become parents together, then surely it's worth the effort of staying parents together?

***

I really hope this article provides some helpful tips on how to reconnect with your partner after having a child.  It's tough; I wouldn't ever suggest otherwise; but the best and most brilliant things in this world can only be built with hard work and dedication.  

If you need any other tips on pregnancy, parenting, coping with being a new parent, coping with a demanding toddler and keeping your sense of self and yumminess in the process, feel free to browse the site and follow using your preferred method be it facebook, twitter, bloglovin, RSS or google+.  Thank you for stopping by.


Good luck and happy parenting.

Congratulations Fearne Cotton! Now how soon before someone mentions the 'M' word?

Congratulations Fearne and Jesse!
 

Across the gossip sites the news that Fearne Cotton announced on her official website that she, and boyfriend Jesse Wood, are expecting a baby, was met with varying degrees of 'OMG', delighted shock, amazement and plenty of stereotypical hand over mouth jaw dropping expressions.

The immediate response has been one of great congratulations; rightly so.

I am probably in the minority then, when my immediate knee jerk response sounds exactly like the sort of thing my mother would say:-

"They aren't married are they?"

I don't count myself as religious; my hubby and I had a civil ceremony when we got married for that very reason, but I do believe in marriage. Like a woman from another century I am always surprised when I hear of a couple having a baby before getting married.  I believe in building a family.  I believe in a stable committed environment for children to grow up in.  And I am also not naive enough to think that a couple is treated the same under law married as they are single, and for the security of the child I absolutely believe in marriage first.

That's not to say that it is always possible.  I have a lovely friend who has recently married six months after giving birth to her first child.  The couple are building a beautiful family and the order of these two events isn't an issue as they are close together and the intention is there.  But I have also watched couples get together and break-up again alarming often.  I wonder whether, if they were married, they would be more incentivised to try and resolve issues before jumping away from the relationship?

Added pressure on the relationship

Having a child puts an enormous amount of pressure onto a relationship.  The first 5 years are incredibly difficult as you both adapt to your new roles as parents and struggle to find time or energy for each other.  My hubby and I have always recognised this and carve out time for date nights and also manage to organise weekends away maybe twice a year.  Even through tough patches we know we are 'married' and that we are committed to each other.  So we work through it, we communicate and we resolve to improve things.  I'm not sure the same incentive is there when you are not married?

What do you think?

These are just my thoughts and I realise you won't all agree with me, but that's why I'm writing this post.

What do you think?  Do you expect to hear a wedding announcement from Fearne soon?  Or would you be more surprised if she did get married than if she didn't?  Do you think marriage is an outdated concept that I'm naive to believe in?  Or do you think it provides a solid foundation for a family to thrive within?  Do you think Fearne and Jesse, or any couple, would survive the first 5 years with or without marriage?

I'd be really interested to know your thoughts.  Please comment below, or connect with me on Twitter @ymummyreally.  Please share this post with your friends on Twitter and Facebook and see what they think.

You can subscribe to this blog over on the side panel for more updates on parenting, relationships and looking yummy! 

How do you find time for yourself?

I am honoured this week to be playing host to some great writers.  Not only have I been able to host Caroline Smaile's online ending to 99 Reason's Why, but I am also honoured to be able to bring you a post on "Me Time" from the yummy Joanne Mallon.

Me Time:  An extract from Toddlers: An instruction manual - a guide to surviving the years one to four (written by parents, for parents).  Buy it in paperback, or download for kindle.

“Me Time” is one of those maligned phrases that has come to be derided as much as it is desired. It can feel like yet another obligation to add to your list – a list which is probably already full to bursting with things you don’t have the time or energy to get round to as it is.

So how achievable is it the parent of a toddler to have some time to yourself, to have a life away from your child? Is it worth the bother?

When I was writing my book and asked parents of toddlers this question, they looked at me as if I’d gone a bit squiffy in the head and wondered if I was feeling alright. “Me Time, what’s that?” just about sums it up.

And yet, if you dig a bit deeper, some parents do carve out pockets of time for themselves. Some run or go the gym, some get crafty and make things, others blog, join book groups, get involved in charity work or simply relax with a glass of wine in the bath at night. All of them are just as busy as you, so if some people can do it, it must, by definition, be at least possible. But with more than enough on our plates already, why should we bother?

Look after yourself

I believe that taking care of yourself is part and parcel of taking care of your child. Children, even little babies, are very sensitive to their environment. They’re like a barometer of your life.

So if you’re stressed, worried or rushed off your feet, they will know about it, even if they can’t say it (To be fair, they may be the cause of it). If your relationship is troubled, even if you never argue in front of your child, they will pick up on it.

This is why, when your attention is elsewhere, your child’s behaviour may react against this. They sense that your attention is not with them, so they want it back.

So given that our child’s moods and our own are so intertwined, it makes sense to see taking care of yourself as being part of taking care of your child. You’re not being a better parent if you sit on all your needs, and end up feeling unfulfilled. Happy parents = happy kids. It’s all interlinked.

I’ll just sort out this laundry...

Your child will never thank you if you martyr yourself to them, and make parenthood your only interest. And don’t use lack of childcare as an excuse, because there are always ways around that – apart from paying a babysitter, you could do childcare swaps with another parent. Or you could take up an interest that doesn’t require childcare – anything from reading, playing video games to running your own online business. And if all else fails, there’s always drinking and sex. (not at the same time though, unless you are particularly ambidextrous).

And don’t make housework an excuse either because that one’s never going to go away. There will always be more dust to hoover, but in the scale of things our lives are pretty brief.

I believe that the time we spend away from our children is what helps us be better parents when we are back in the bosom of our families. Even if it’s only a few minutes with the bathroom door locked, you need that breathing space for the sake of your own mental health. You need time when you’re something else other than someone’s mum or dad, and don’t have to think about whose bottom needs wiping.

"Me Time" isn't just time for you - it's time for all of your family.

***

Joanne is a freelance parenting journalist, a life and career coach and a parent of two.  You can also find Joanne's blog here. 

The book brings together tried and tested practical, down-to-earth tips from parents who've survived the toddler years.

We'd both love to know your thoughts on "Me Time".  Do you manage to carve out enough time for yourself?  If so, how? 

A Mother's Day Meme

I have never been tagged in a Meme before.  In fact, three months ago that sentance would have made no sense to me at all.  For all those readers out there that don't know, an internet 'meme', according to Wilipedia, is apparently "an idea that is propagated through the World Wide Web."

In this case, the lovely mums at the More Than a Mum blog initiated a meme in celebration of Mother's Day.  I am lucky enough to have been tagged by Mother.Wife.Me to take part.

The idea is to answer a set of questions on motherhood; so here it goes!  I have tried to be completely honest.

Describe motherhood in three words

Difficult.  Rewarding.  Incredible.


Does your experience differ from your mother's?  How?

Yes, definitely.  My mother had me when she was 23 years old, almost 10 years younger than when I had my first child.  I think she probably had more energy as a result.

And she had me in the 70s, when a lot of baby advice was very different.  For example; feeding was strictly four-hourly back then.  These days the advice varies considerably between health professional, with advice flexing depending on the age of the baby, their weight and health.  When initially breastfeeding some say two-hourly is appropriate.  The raft of advice from family, friends, the internet and books supplementing and often conflicting with that of your particular health visitor, makes it a confusing time to raise your first child.  My impression is that it was a lot more straight forward in the 70s.  Sometimes too many cooks spoil the broth.

What's the hardest thing about being a mum?

The responsibility.  It's no longer just about keeping yourself safe from harm.  Now it's about protecting another being.  Not only protecting them, but also bringing them up correctly.  Trying to ensure they grow up to be responsible, curteous, unselfish, polite, happy, energetic and able to look after themselves.

If I think about it too much, the responsibility freaks me out!

What's the best thing?

Seeing their joy.  When they smile at me it's the best feeling in the world.

How has it changed you?

Immeasurably for the better.  I now hold reserves of patience I never envisaged being possible.  I am less selfish, more relaxed, more tired (but in a nice way) and I finally understand what I put my parents through!  You don't know until you have your own children.

What do you hope for your children?

That they will by happy and contended.  I hope we manage to bring them up as well as my parents did me.

What do you fear for them?

I fear that human's aren't learning from our mistakes.  I fear that human's need to constantly use violence to solve problems will have catastrophic consequences.  And I fear that the planet may well be fed up with us sooner than we'd like to think.

More locally; I fear that I won't be able to teach them some lessons.  That I'll have to sit back and watch them learn for themselves, sometimes painfully.  And I hope I can be there for them whenever they need me.

What makes it all worthwhile?

 Their smiles. And their hugs; when they hold me so tight and I don't want them to let go!


And there we go!

And so, I understand I now have to tag five others, who tag five more in turn and so on.  Don't forget to come back to this page and let me know how you've got on!

I tag:

Emma Lee-Potter at A House with no Name
Jo at Slummy Single Mummy
Laura at Chez Mummy
Jules at Mummy Needs Coffee
Mum of all Trades

Censorship? What should we censor for children?

Our journey back from Manchester, after the excitement of seeing Peppa Pig Live, was, since it was on the train again, full of the same stresses of the journey there, only with the added interest of a couple of incidents.

I was in two minds as to whether to talk about both of them here, but I'm going to split them out and deal with them separately in two posts, so: -

First up, the "filmwatcher" and a question of censorship.

You know how you often get folk on the train with their laptops out, pretending to work but actually watching films or playing computer games on-line?  Our train home was so full that yes, you've guessed it, three of the children and I had to squeeze around a table already occupied by a gentleman who was watching a film on his laptop. Don't I sound all posh referring to a gentleman.  Would 'man' be better?

The two older children sat opposite, and I sat next to him (the man) with my youngest (aged 3 years - that's relevant later) sat on my knee.

My girls and I immediately managed to cover every remaining portion of space on that table with "stuff".  Magazines that we'd bought for the children for the journey home, snacks, drinks, and a lunch box.  The man took it all in his stride, and simply continued watching his film with his headphones on.  I had respect for him at that point.  He was coping remarkably well.  I concluded that he either had children or was used to them being around.  Anyone else would have been tutting by now.

I glanced out of the corner of my eye at the screen (he was sitting next to me.  It's not officially nosey if I can't help but be observant is it?) to see if I recognised what he was watching.

On catching site of the screen and taking in the image, I immediately twisted my youngest around slightly more on my knee so that she was facing away from it, and rested my hand on top of the lunchbox to block her view, despite the fact that she probably couldn't see it anyway due to the tight angle of vision she'd have had.

The reason for this, is that the scene I caught sight of was Daniel Craig with a plastic bag fastened over his face in some sort of torture scene.  I wondered initially if the film was James Bond, but I'm reliably told that it was probably Layer Cake.

The man seemed oblivious to the fact that his film was showing a torture scene and a small child was sat next to him.  Honestly, she couldn't see it at the angle I had her, probably couldn't have seen it before, but still, he was completely oblivious.  I re-evaluated by conclusion that he was used to being around children.

However, that film also had 'scenes of a sexual nature'.  And, very interestingly, the second that a naked Daniel Craig was on screen on top of a naked female co-star, the man's hand shot out to the laptop touchpad to fastforward and skip the scene.

I have never seen a hand move that fast.  I had to try hard not to giggle.  My instinct was not to embarrass him; so I pretended to be equally oblivious to his scene skipping.

He then realised he'd skipped too far ahead, tried to skip back a little bit, overshot and ended up back at the naked bodies, and had to skip right back off them again!

I sat wondering whether he was skipping the scene out of courtesy to me?  But if so, why?  Did he think having breasts on his screen would embarrass me?  Why would that embarrass me?  I see naked breasts every day - it's a (debatable) advantage of being a woman.  Because it had a naked Daniel Craig in it?  Don't skip that on my account.  I definitely won't be embarrassed by that!  Or just for the sake of the 3 year old?  In which case, if he censored the sex, why on earth didn't he censor the torture and suffocation?

I wondered what principles he was basing his censorship on?  Whether he was doing it for himself (embarrassment), for us (compassion or empathy or both), or because he felt he should (peer pressure)?

I'd have preferred him to skip the torture scene and leave the sexual scene on; if I had to choose between the two.  Ideally I'd have avoided both until she's a little older!

What do you think?  I'd love to hear your views on what, if any, responsibility falls on someone watching a film in a public place.


If you want to hear more about our half term trip, with tips to avoid the pitfalls we fell into click the following links:
Taking children to the theatre? Our adventures at Peppa Pig Live
Taking children on the train?  Here's what you really need to consider.
Trying to buy wine?  Tesco Express choose bureaucratic nonsense over common sense

How to entertain the in-laws this Christmas!

So here's a little advice to help you keep the in-laws and everyone else happy this Christmas (and out from under your feet!)  Some tips to keep the in-laws entertained and ease your hosting duties, sorted by individual 'type' for your convenience.


For the Travellers   
They are always abroad, or planning their next trip.  They are astounded that you haven't been to the Yemen.  Watching TV with them is a constant stream of "oohhh, we're been there, haven't we dear."

Entertainment:
Ensure to obtain a small stock of up to date travel brochures (the more unusual the better) before their arrival and leave them on the coffee table for them to 'accidentally' find and spend the next hour browsing through together (hopefully) whilst you get to listen to your new Buble album. (Or is that just me?)

For the Sports Fans

Always dissecting the last game and planning strategies the players should adopt for the next., whether it's football, rugby, golf, tennis or athletics....
Entertainment (indoor): 
Check the BBC Sports page before their arrival to ensure you can make a couple of relevant comments (good for brownie points) and to check the Christmas fixtures.  Those that are likely to be on the TV will be highlighted on there.  For double points, suggest they watch it (whilst you catch up on the latest Sky shows news with your sister.  (Or is that just me too?)) or ask them if they've remembered to record it and offer to do so.

Entertainment (outdoor):
As above, but book tickets for a Christmas match and either send them, or go with.  A bit of fresh air and shouting is good for bonding as long as you remember some sweets!


For the Brainiacs   
Constantly doing crosswords, playing scrabble or watching quiz shows.

Entertainment (Techie / to leave you free):  

Get Scrabble downloaded onto your ipod/iphone/ipad and show them how to play against the computer and where they can help themselves to drinks/nibbles.  Ideally, don't hear from them again for the next hour.

Entertainment (Non-techie / to leave you free):  

Buy a couple of bumper puzzle books - possibly even as a Christmas present for them.  They'll feel obliged to sit down and do at least some!

Entertainment (for you to join in):  
Get 'proper' Scrabble out.  Or any other brainy board game like Monopoly, Game of Life, Cranium etc... Or for real techies - pop the ipad on the table for the board and play your tiles on your own iphones/ipods through the wi-fi.


New Grannies-in-laws
You've just had your first child, and the mother-in-law is testing your patience?  Providing unrequested advise at every opportunity?

Entertainment:  Ask them how they dealt with weaning/teething/sleepless nights when they first gave birth to your partner.  Then ask them what worked, what didn't and what they'd change in light of your different situation (working mum vs stayathome mum?  married vs single?  new guidance on sleep patterns etc)

If you remember that you aren't saying you will actually follow this advice, you could find that you either;

• get them talking so long you can multitask;
• find out something you can actually use;
• bond a little (dare I say that!?)

Suggest she might want to take darling grandson/daughter out for a walk in the pram after dinner.  All go; or say you'll stay home and do the washing up whilst everyone else goes (dishwasher and glass of wine anyone?)

For all

Allocate responsibilities for everyone.  If you have guests for Christmas dinner, ask the in-laws to provide and sort out dessert for example.  (Oh, and if you can, make clear what time the invitation is for and until so that no-one outstays their welcome)

Stock up on fruit juices as well as alcoholic beverages, crisps, oranges, nuts, chocolates, or any other appropriate Christmas snacking fair you know will go down well with your audience.  Then ensure the produce is easily available for everyone to help themselves!

Get a selection of newspapers and magazines in for browsing (see above headings).  There are always moments when the family can't think of something interesting to say to one another!

Try and avoid having the TV on (let them know before hand) on Christmas Day until a specified time.  And even then, you'll have to manage expectations.  Perhaps just don't bother and revert to playing board games (see Brainiacs above!)  Or have a rota for 'choices'.  Perhaps one hour each!


Please feel free to add more tips below!

If you like this, you might also like:

How to keep children entertained
3 steps to stop a tantrum
Parenting wisdom (getting toddlers to go to bed!)