Parenting advice: Do as I say, not as I do

I have lost count of the number of times I have seen a parent (sometimes me) shouting at the top of their voices at their children; "WILL YOU STOP SHOUTING AND BE QUIET!"

I understand the compulsion as I've have been there.  But it's interesting how often you see it happen: a parent asking their child to do something that they are not doing themselves. 

I've now worked out the solution for us in the case of shouting.  When our two girls are screaming at each other, sometimes in anger, sometimes just because they want to be heard over each other, I pause (to take a breathe and ensure to be calm) and make sure I walk right into the fray, crouch down to their level, gesture for them to look at me and I, ever so quietly, tell them that there is no need to shout at each other or me, as we are not a million miles away.

It's surprising how effective speaking quietly is.  The sudden change in volume, coupled with their need to go quiet in order to hear my words, has a drastic impact on the decibel level in the room.

Besides; I shouldn't expect them to be quiet if I am allowed to shout.  In the same way you can't teach children to be honest if you regularly lie, or to be reliable if you are constantly late. 

Are there any things you do, but that you try and teach your children not to do?  My vice is chocolate.  I try and teach them to eat healthily but regularly find myself sneaking a biscuit on the sly so that they don't want one too.  How bad is that!?

Click on 'Comments' below to let me know your parenting "do as I says", or track me down on Twitter or Facebook .

Help! My child doesn't want to go to school!

Late on Sunday evening, the night before school was due to start a new term after the Easter break, my friend's five year old daughter took a tube of toothpaste, squeezed out three or four large gloops, and rubbed it all into her dry hair like shampoo.  All over. 

Her mother, understandably, was fairly upset.  It took four actual shampoos and rinses to get the bulk of it out of her hair.  Bedtime was somewhat delayed.

You'll obviously have worked out that this child wasn't keen on school.  It's nothing new; she's been coming up with excuses to avoid going to school for the whole 18 months she's been in attendance.  Luckily, her mum, being the sensible woman she is, hasn't let her daughter win this battle of wills.  Attending school is not a debating matter.  But, the daughter has obviously inherited her mother's fighting spirit and stubbornness, so it's a battle of wills that continues to rage.

Excuses have included;

• I can only go to school when it's sunny.  
• I've broken my leg. (she obviously hadn't).  
• I can't find any socks (she'd hidden them all)
• I can't find my shoes (she'd hidden those too)

There's no doubting she's got a brilliant imagination.  But mum has had mornings where she has had to take her into school in her pyjamas, uniform in bag, and carry her to the door kicking and screaming.

Ironically, once at school, all reports suggest that she enjoys it.  She is super bright; reading texts far beyond her years; but appears to socialise happily in the school environment.

Her mother, though, is starting to wonder if she'll ever go to school without fuss.

Can anyone help? 

Is this something that she will eventually grow out of?  Or is it a habit that she'll find hard to break?  Is there anything more mum can do?

What inventive things has your child done to avoid school?

Still trying to get the kids to school on time...!

Time to school bell : 30 minutes

So I’m sat on my knees on a wooden floor.. (don’t snigger)…. And I’m pleading with my daughter to put her pink all-in-one waterproof suit on to go to Chatsworth County Estate on her first ever school trip. She’s not having any of it, and I’ve no idea where her other waterproof coat is.

25 minutes.

I could put my foot down, but I‘m stressed, and I don’t want to be the mother that spoilt her first trip for her. So I run around the hall, flinging coats about in an attempt to trace at least one waterproof coat (rain’s definitely forecast). In the chaos the youngest is happily putting her waterproof on. Of course she isn’t going on a trip – just to Nursery. But irony wouldn’t have a job otherwise.

23 minutes…

Eureka! Brainwave! All waterproofs are in the utility after we wore them to do the gardening at the weekend. I grab them in relief.
Which is short lived.

20 mins…

They are, of course, covered in mud, since the girls helped us plant our spring garden so well.

Cue a sprint through the house to the kitchen cupboard for baby wipes, which come to the rescue, and a quick wipe down makes one coat suitable to wear; though whether it passes the in-law test remains to be seen.

Ok, so she’s got her packed lunch, her 2 (not 1) drinks, her trainers (in case of rain), her waterproof (freshly wiped down), sun-cream on (the weather is really that temperamental), and her sun hat…… no. No sunhat.

19 minutes…

Now don’t laugh. I know I’ve just stressed about the waterproof, so why on earth would she need a sun hat as well? Easy. It’s May. In the Midlands. It’s 20 degrees Celsius one minute and hailing the next. But her sun hat is no where to be found.

17 minutes…

She’s had her sun hat roughly 3 weeks. What was I saying about irony.
I find two other old hats. Neither will squeeze onto her head. The youngest finds hers and promptly struts around in waterproof and sun hat as if to mock us.

15 minutes…

I still have the youngest to drop at Nursery so we run to the car. (I run, the children are encouraged in a very exuberant way that results in them slowing down.)

We drop off the youngest. Who is still wearing her waterproof all in one, and her sun hat, and I haven’t the heart to argue with her.

2 minutes…

We park the car and run……….


I so hope she has a good time!

Sleep. Lack of Sleep. And a Pigeon with a Leisure Pass.

On Tuesday it took an hour from first getting Cheeky Monkey No. 2 into her cot bed to her falling asleep.  On Wednesday it took 45 minutes. Yesterday it took 1 minute (she was exhausted, and hadn't napped.  I knew it was a fluke.)   Tonight, it took 15 minutes.  Progress is being made!

I'm trying to be calm, supportive, gentle and firm.  That means that rather than raising my voice when she starts screaming as soon as I leave the room, I simply walk back to her cot, gentle pick her back up, quick cuddle, "it's bedtime", into bed, "night night", leave the room.  And I've lost track of how many times I've repeated that.  But it's working. 

I remember getting more upset going through the same process with Cheeky Monkey No. 1 two years ago.  I remember getting angry, frustrated, teary, and wondered why she was getting more angry, frustrated, and teary!  It would appear that staying calm is definitely the key.  Easier said than done, I know.

Having said that, it's an awful lot easier to stay yummy-looking when you're not in tears.  And when you have the backup of the Clarins range!  I love their concealer now, and I didn't wear make up at all a year ago!

On a completely different, very random, note: a pigeon flew inside the door of our local leisure centre in front of me this week.  I wondered whether I should queue up behind him.  He shocked the receptionist.  A couple of other female leisure centre workers immediately backed away in a very girly fashion.  The pigeon surveyed the reception area and scuttled through the entry barrier and made to wander up the stairs.  He clearly fancied a bit of a sauna.  It took another, more capable, leisure centre worker, (male, the stereotype's were prevailing today) to direct the bird back out of the door. 

Anyone got any other bizarre moments to share?

Nearly a Yummy Mummy! And avoiding tantrums some more!

Feeling much more like a Yummy Mummy this week!

I've rediscovered some clothes that I haven't worn for at least 5 years, but somehow seem to work this summer. I've also topped up my casual collection with a couple of this season's Maxi dresses. It beats Jeans and a dodgy t-shirt...and both dresses are washable for a change! (Monsoon if you're interested!)

I'm off to have my initial fitness test at the Gym tonight. Regular readers will be confused, since I joined the Gym back in January. I did have the initial assessment booked in then, but had to cancel, and as every mummy will know, it takes forever for something that I need to arrange for me to get back up to the top of the to-do list. So I've only just re-booked it. Poor, I know!

I've had to refrain from any alcohol or caffeine for 24 hours before it. I also can't eat for 4-5 hours before. It's booked for 5.30pm. I've done 1 hour already, but won't be able to eat until at least 7.30pm since I'll return home and jump straight into the girls story time routine. Not sure how I'll cope with no food for that long. I'm sure I'll get chocolate withdrawal! I'll let you know how I get on...

Oh.... my feeling of Yummy Mumminess is also down to 'relaxing'. I've been telling myself to chill out this week. Every time I feel the tension building, or hear my voice raising, I am consciously saying the next sentence more slowly and quietly. And taking a deep breath. I've arrived places a little later than I would have liked as a result. It would appear that I can't relax without slowing the pace of everything I do. But I guess I can just leave a little more time. And to be fair, I've not been actually late yet! I've found the best trigger to get me in this calm and happy state of mind is listening to the Crazy Love album by Micheal Buble. There are some great feel good tunes on there!

I haven't been leaving any tips on parenting recently though. I guess my tip for this week is just that; to relax. It seems to keep the children more relaxed and less liable to tantrums.

So take a breath. Pause. Smile to yourself. Hum a tune! Then carry on.

Just make sure the tune isn't something by Metallica. I'm not entirely sure that would lead to the calm quietness I'm thinking of!

3 steps to stop a tantrum...

Some more tips on parenting today. I can't pretend to be expert. I only share what works for us! I'll be talking about make-up cleansers next time - because I've been getting spots since wearing make-up this last 6 months, and I can only assume it's due to not cleansing it properly at night. So any advice would be good!

Anyway - back to the issue of 'tantrums', or as I call them 'bottom lip moments'!

1. If the tantrum is threatening to start because you have said "No" in response to a request for something, immediately get down to your child's level. If they are talking, wait patiently for a pause, and then say "(Name of Child), Mummy has said No. That means No."

2. If the issue is one of timing, then you can follow this, before they get chance to interrupt ideally, with a brief explanation why. And it should be brief. For example; "You cannot have a chocolate biscuit now, because we are going to have dinner in a minute. If you behave nicely, and eat up your dinner, you may be able to have something chocolaty for pudding". Be careful to actually allow this if you promise it. If you don't want them to have a biscuit at all, then no promises of one later should be made. Above all you need to be trustworthy!

3. Immediately distract the child with an activity. "Come on; let's do some sticking before dinner"

The response is likely to be either; a full on, bottom lip out, stamping feet, crying tantrum. Or, an obliging child, sufficiently told, happy(ish) to do 'sticking' for the time being. If you do get the tantrum, you have one extra step of your choice.

Either, you warn the child that if they continue to scream and shout after you've counted to five, they will have to go on the Naughty Step. And follow it through.

Or, state clearly that you will not discuss this anymore, and turn your attention away from the child (either by going out of the room, or turning to play with another sibling, actively making a big deal out of the fun you and the other child are having.)

I find these methods work really well. I rarely manage to count to five. And when the elder does stop sniffling, and is clearly making an effort to calm down, I immediately stop counting and revert to the distraction activity again, but making a big deal about how well she has done to calm down. "Well done! We can go and do some sticking now. We don't want to be crying do we. Let's quickly blow your nose," (move child across the room, or into another room) "and we'll get those Dora stickers out. Cor! There's a lot of stickers here. Shall we make a card, or a picture?"

Throwing more questions her way makes her think about something else. And moving her, even if just to get a tissue, is distracting because her environment changes. And if I'm lucky, the episode ends there.

I hope that's helpful. Let me know if anyone has any other methods for dealing with those 'bottom lip' moments!