Across the gossip sites the news that Fearne Cotton announced on her official website that she, and boyfriend Jesse Wood, are expecting a baby, was met with varying degrees of 'OMG', delighted shock, amazement and plenty of stereotypical hand over mouth jaw dropping expressions.
The immediate response has been one of great congratulations; rightly so.
I am probably in the minority then, when my immediate knee jerk response sounds exactly like the sort of thing my mother would say:-
"They aren't married are they?"
I don't count myself as religious; my hubby and I had a civil ceremony when we got married for that very reason, but I do believe in marriage. Like a woman from another century I am always surprised when I hear of a couple having a baby before getting married. I believe in building a family. I believe in a stable committed environment for children to grow up in. And I am also not naive enough to think that a couple is treated the same under law married as they are single, and for the security of the child I absolutely believe in marriage first.
That's not to say that it is always possible. I have a lovely friend who has recently married six months after giving birth to her first child. The couple are building a beautiful family and the order of these two events isn't an issue as they are close together and the intention is there. But I have also watched couples get together and break-up again alarming often. I wonder whether, if they were married, they would be more incentivised to try and resolve issues before jumping away from the relationship?
Added pressure on the relationship
Having a child puts an enormous amount of pressure onto a relationship. The first 5 years are incredibly difficult as you both adapt to your new roles as parents and struggle to find time or energy for each other. My hubby and I have always recognised this and carve out time for date nights and also manage to organise weekends away maybe twice a year. Even through tough patches we know we are 'married' and that we are committed to each other. So we work through it, we communicate and we resolve to improve things. I'm not sure the same incentive is there when you are not married?
What do you think?
These are just my thoughts and I realise you won't all agree with me, but that's why I'm writing this post.
What do you think? Do you expect to hear a wedding announcement from Fearne soon? Or would you be more surprised if she did get married than if she didn't? Do you think marriage is an outdated concept that I'm naive to believe in? Or do you think it provides a solid foundation for a family to thrive within? Do you think Fearne and Jesse, or any couple, would survive the first 5 years with or without marriage?
What do you think? Do you expect to hear a wedding announcement from Fearne soon? Or would you be more surprised if she did get married than if she didn't? Do you think marriage is an outdated concept that I'm naive to believe in? Or do you think it provides a solid foundation for a family to thrive within? Do you think Fearne and Jesse, or any couple, would survive the first 5 years with or without marriage?
I'd be really interested to know your thoughts. Please comment below, or connect with me on Twitter @ymummyreally. Please share this post with your friends on Twitter and Facebook and see what they think.
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I know what you're saying, but surely choosing to have a child is a bigger commitment than a marriage, and certainly a stronger reason for staying together? For me, if a child, or children you both love aren't a good enough reason to stay together any more, then a marriage won't be either. The committed relationship is what makes the marriage strong, not the other way round.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't have that commitment to start with, then a ring, a dress and a piece of paper won't make it that way... and if you do, then the wedding shouldn't change anything in your relationship. For me, if you're not religious, and would rather spend your money on something else, why bother?
Thanks for commented on the post Mel. I really appreciate your views.
DeleteYou make a strong point that children should be a good enough reason to stay together and if they aren't then a marriage won't be either. It's interesting, because it's not children that form the strong relationship; it's not children who should be the glue for the relationship; it's the love and respect between the couple.
For me marriage is contractual. It's me, signing on the dotted line, agreeing to love and cherish. It's not religious, but it is important to me to have that contract. The ring serves to remind me that I signed up to make the effort when the going is tough.
You are right that if you don't have commitment the paper won't provide it; but what if you are faltering? Will the paper swing it one way or the other? Will it serve as glue, even if it's only pritstick?
It might sound a bit strange, but I have no problem with people having babies outside marriage, BUT it wasn't right for me. I wanted to be married before I had children. All my friends and family apart from one were married before they had kids. Guess which one is the single mum now :(
ReplyDeleteThanks for taking the time to share your thoughts, Sarah. It doesn't sound strange at all. I don't have a problem with them having babies outside marriage if it's right for them and if their arrangement provides for a stable and loving family for the child that they've brought into the world.
DeleteSorry about the single mum part. I guess even the best laid plans don't always pan out. :-(
I don't think you can have any insight into anyone else's relationship, married or not, especially people you don't even personally know.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely agree, DillyTante.
DeleteFearne's wonderful news just made me think about relationships in general and how the family unit that was the norm only a couple of generations ago has changed.
This post is me wondering and thinking about the subject, not personally judging or critising any particular person for their choices.
You are judging a little bit though, saying you don't think people try as hard at a relationship when they are not married.
DeleteBesides, lots of things were the norm generations ago, doesn't make them more worthy.
Sorry. Think we've misunderstood each. other a little bit. I am not saying I definitely think they don't try as hard. My post says "I wonder.." and "I am not sure if.." That's why I was so interested to see what others thought.
DeleteI have realised that there's a question mark missing from the end of my fourth paragraph which hadn't helped. I will sort that out.
Thanks Dilly.
I honestly don't believe marriage is necessary. It's a nice day out and a lovely idea, if you're into that kind of thing, but if two adults can make the monumental decision to stay together forever - and bring a child into the world - then I think having a big party and signing a register is extraneous. Nothing against weddings, you won't find a more enthusiastic guest! But my love and commitment to Other Half and Bairn transcends the formality of marriage. Deep, eh? Plus, I've other stuff to spend that money on.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely fair enough. It sounds like you have a great partnership there.
DeleteThanks for sharing. I appreciate hearing everyones take on it.
I don't think I could have a stronger relationship with my partner than we have now. And we are not married.
ReplyDeleteIf I was 'faltering' in my feelings towards the relationship, I hope I would address the reasons for this instead of conducting my actions based on the logistics/ease of leaving the relationship. I actually think it's quite unhealthy to rely on marriage to provide an extra level of commitment. Commitment comes BEFORE marriage.
Thanks Chloe. That's a good point. Commitment has to be there first.
DeleteThanks for your comment.
we got married 8 months after TT was born, we had,planned to be married sooner, but it didn't work out. having said that, we agreed to try for a,baby before we got engaged. I like being married as a,parent, but it wouldn't even cross my mind to question whether someone was planning to get married if they announced they were having a,baby together.
ReplyDeleteI really am so old fashioned to think of it aren't I!? ;-D
DeleteThanks for your comment. :-)
My partner and I decided to marry before starting our family, although we lived together for several years before that, so if we'd been faced with an unplanned pregnancy, that would have been fine.
ReplyDeleteI did prefer the way it worked out for us, though, and I like being married.
I don't have any strong opinions re what others do in the same situation, and I think that being a good spouse/partner and being a good parent are two separate things.
It's the strength of the love, respect and commitment in a relationship that determines its success, not the legal ties - or lack of them.
Thank you Cre ativeFlo. Yes, the consensus from everyone seems to be that marriage, or lack of it, isn't a factor in success.
DeleteI'm not entirely convinced about that yet. I do think marriage can be a helpful factor. But I am pleased that long and lasting relationships are happening regardless. That's always great news!
I share the old fashioned approach as you I think although I know its very unfashionable of me! I didn't live with my Hubby before we were married and while we were dating (we dated for 6 years before we married) I knew that if we had a surprise pregnancy that he would've proposed immediately! I know that we are certainly not the norm and I remember a girlfriend seeming almost outraged that we were so oldfashioned about things as if by us doing things this way that we were judging people who didn't. I guess it just works before for us to do things in that particular order though. To each their own, I guess?
ReplyDeleteI'd like to think that people aren't going to hate on me for doing things in the way that we did them. And in return, I won't hate on them for doing things in their way! :)
Thanks Lisa.
DeleteYes, I certainly wouldn't hate anyone for their choices. It's whatever works best for a particular couple.
I admit I was relieved to have done things in the order I felt most comfortable with.
:-)
It definitely is becoming more and more the norm for the baby to come first. I suppose as long as the relationship is strong, that's the most important thing. For me personally it was important to be married before starting a family. It was also expected of us to be married first. I never even lived with my husband before we were married! This is Ireland however and people tend to be a bit traditional about things like that.
ReplyDelete